Have you ever found yourself in a situation that was the opposite of what you dreamt for your life but you just can’t let go of how it was supposed to be? It feels wretched and sticky, like you’re fighting against the grain of life.
This is denying the reality of your experience. It’s ignoring what you actually feel, dismissing what you really think, in favor of keeping the vision that you held for yourself alive.
And it’s dangerous. Because it’s not rooted in what is unfolding in front of you.
This is happening to me right now with my child care situation. I left my corporate job nine months ago to spend more time with my delicious kiddos while they’re still so young and focus on building my coaching practice. Well, back then, my ten-month-old baby boy was waking up at 4am for the day, fresh as a daisy and ready to go. I thought it would be a phase.
But that phase wouldn’t pass and I tried every tactic in the book to get him to sleep longer in the mornings – to no avail. It’s nine months later and he still wakes up at 4am, almost every morning, ready to go for the day.
But I kept chugging along spending a ton of time with my kids during the days (starting at 4am – ugh) and slotting my business into 2 days a week and having no time for myself outside of that.
Resentment was building. Impatience was growing. And I had this gnawing feeling, that it was NOT supposed to BE like this. I wasn’t supposed to be this depleted, this irritated, this wanting-to-fast-forward the days. Motherhood was not supposed to FEEL like this.
Then I realized that I was ignoring what I was actually feeling. I was feeling trapped. And held back. I wanted more time with my amazing kidlets, yes, but I was getting too much time when my days started at 4am with them. It was making me feel the opposite of how I wanted to feel as a parent.
I want to feel enthusiastic. Patient. Deeply connected. Loving.
And now, when I look at what I truly think, I can get that only by a taking longer break from them.
And so, I’m enrolling my baby and my pre-schooler in full-time care for the autumn. This is hard. Man, is this hard. And not at all what I envisioned. But it feels aligned. It feels rooted in what’s real. It feels like honoring how I want to feel on all fronts.
So I know it is the right thing to do.
What about you? Where are you denying what you are feeling in favor of what you should be feeling? I’d love to hear from ya below!